sirang plaka

Yesterday was “alone time” with mother again. My sister, brother-in-law, and the kids went to Pampanga for a quick visit to that branch of the family there. My mom usually talks in circles. There’s no topic in our conversations that hasn’t been touched already, at one point or another, in past chit-chats. So its kinda boring, [but could you really tell that to your mom now, can you? hehehe] but it’s also kinda convenient for me, knowing what to say before she even finishes, coz I really know those topics like the back of my hand, so to speak.

Whenever we’re alone, she also makes it a point to bring out the topic of “when are you gonna bring a girl here, for me to meet?” or a variation would be “when are you gonna start looking for someone to marry, so I can still see my grandkids with you?”. That curb in the conversation is already part of the routine, but it never fails to surprise me, whenever she would go to that topic. I start to get uncomfortable and look in different parts of the table, or the refrigerator (‘coz it’s usually during lunch she brings this out), but not directly in the eyes because I might be tempted to spill the beans. I already wrote in the past that I’ve decided she will not know of my “little secret” for it will cause her great sadness. It’s already enough that one soul in the family knows—my beloved sister—and she too has been suffering in silence, I can tell. Well, I don’t know how I managed to evade her questions this time, but proof of successful evasion is that I’m still here, typing my thoughts away, hehehe.

That afternoon, I was at the bus going back to Manila. There was a young couple in front of me, a bit younger than I am, I think, and they have their baby travelling with them. Young daddy is cute, but I’m totally beside the point. Hehehe. What I’m trying to say is I think I can be a good father and provider to a kid. My kid. But question is, would I be fair to whoever she is who will bear my child? if only gay marriage is legal in the Philippines, Dee and I would get our own kid for ourselves, set-up a real family, and help each other out in raising our son into a God-fearing, good citizen of the country. Who knows, his lola might even love the idea of visits during the weekends, and playing with her apo.

haay. nangarap na naman ako. :)

cj

Every time I go home to the province, it seems to me that Cj is getting taller and taller. Taller and wider, hehehe. takaw kasi nung batang yun. He’s face is also changing. Not the smooth, blemish-free face I so love to pinch back then; for I notice he already has pimples. Well, nagbibinata na nga siya. Which is but normal. Twelve years old na sya this april. It only saddens me that he will never experience all of these changes on the social level the same way we did. Autism has taken Cj away from us. took, and is still taking. May sariling mundo ang pamangkin ko. even at twelve, he still behaves like a pre-school child. all of us in the family have already adjusted to the special needs of Cj. We always think of his needs before seeing to our own. He’s the darling of the family. Even Geloy understands that. He’s become a very understanding kuya to Cj and I’m sure Ate is very proud of her first-born. Kita naman eh, that he loves his brother so much. Alam nyang dadalawa lang sila sa mundong ito, like me and his mom. and no one will care for each other but themselves. so I’ts safe to assume that he’ll take care of Cj when he’s old enough to do so, and we’re no longer around to look after them. My only fear is that, if old age or sickness gets us all to the ground before Cj, who will take care of him when that time comes? Surely, may mga kamag-anak naman, pero iba pa din kung immediate family. I dread to see that day come true.

a krissy year its been.. brace yourself for more servings

Sunday, its six in the evening and i’m on my way back to manila. Tomorrow will be the start of my second week at work, this new year. I still can’t believe a week has passed and no untoward office incident has happened—yet. Well, at least to me. i can’t say that exactly for my other officemates—it seems we’re all taking turns, incurring the ire of krissy. I just had my serving of krissy’s tender loving care last December, involving a word called “sarcasm”, the details of which i’d rather not discuss. You pretty much know her capability for emotional torture, based on previous postings, i trust those entries would pretty much make a solid characterization of this creature from hell. Its my first post this year, and much as i would have wanted to write more, i kind of busied myself with other things during the holidays, so forgive me if you’ve missed dear pie so sorely. Anyways, before leaving for the province on my last day of work last year, i managed to write something on a sheet of paper—as my office pc brokedown the last minute. I normally find it more convenient writing my thoughts as they come, preferring the use of MS Word more than dear plain paper. But since the hurt needs to be clearly documented, i elected to write my thoughts and feelings that time on paper, saving it for a time like this when i finally find time to visit the dreaming attic once more.

Here it is :

This is not good. I had several bouts of near-outbursts at Mc Donald’s and Jollibee in a span of two weeks; the causes, as trifle as the cashier unable to give my change for a transaction right away, or the crew making me wait for ten minutes for a single order of my favorite corned beef for breakfast. I didn’t ace my psych 101 back in college for nothing; i know there is a cause to all this. For a greater part of five years i’ve been under constant stress from one single person. Krissy the insatiable. You probably know her from the many entries i’ve posted, speaking of the unspeakable, so i won’t bother anymore, eking out a juicy character study for this megalomaniac of a being, except stressing the point that despite knowing the stressor and having researched on its (IT’S!) inherent qualities, i still couldn’t find a weak spot which i can exploit to my advantage. She has learned to guard all the gates and bolt all the doors; making her one solid impenetrable fort that just won’t budge. I have tried all the tricks in my stress-management bible. I went for massages, weekend tours, or quiet time at the province, all for nothing. The last two events i described earlier are cries for help. The inner, gentler me is screaming, kicking, wanting to be finally rid of all this—just him out in golden streams of light, in an endless field of green and rainbow-colored flowers; finally breathing free from that all-consuming darkness that plagued and continues to plague him for five years now. Somebody out there, help me. God help me.

The outbursts, well, they’re contained, for now. the psyche work, i’ve dee to acknowledge for. He did a wonderful job, text-counselling me, December of last year, hehehe. He’s in Australia right now, training for bigger things, for when he finally gets back here a month from now. i miss him terribly. One month is kinda long, but when i think of the years behind us, its pretty tolerable. Well, tomorrow’s another day of taking chances with krissy, i just hope i make the right steps that will help me cross the seven o’clock pm gridline.