sirang plaka

Yesterday was “alone time” with mother again. My sister, brother-in-law, and the kids went to Pampanga for a quick visit to that branch of the family there. My mom usually talks in circles. There’s no topic in our conversations that hasn’t been touched already, at one point or another, in past chit-chats. So its kinda boring, [but could you really tell that to your mom now, can you? hehehe] but it’s also kinda convenient for me, knowing what to say before she even finishes, coz I really know those topics like the back of my hand, so to speak.

Whenever we’re alone, she also makes it a point to bring out the topic of “when are you gonna bring a girl here, for me to meet?” or a variation would be “when are you gonna start looking for someone to marry, so I can still see my grandkids with you?”. That curb in the conversation is already part of the routine, but it never fails to surprise me, whenever she would go to that topic. I start to get uncomfortable and look in different parts of the table, or the refrigerator (‘coz it’s usually during lunch she brings this out), but not directly in the eyes because I might be tempted to spill the beans. I already wrote in the past that I’ve decided she will not know of my “little secret” for it will cause her great sadness. It’s already enough that one soul in the family knows—my beloved sister—and she too has been suffering in silence, I can tell. Well, I don’t know how I managed to evade her questions this time, but proof of successful evasion is that I’m still here, typing my thoughts away, hehehe.

That afternoon, I was at the bus going back to Manila. There was a young couple in front of me, a bit younger than I am, I think, and they have their baby travelling with them. Young daddy is cute, but I’m totally beside the point. Hehehe. What I’m trying to say is I think I can be a good father and provider to a kid. My kid. But question is, would I be fair to whoever she is who will bear my child? if only gay marriage is legal in the Philippines, Dee and I would get our own kid for ourselves, set-up a real family, and help each other out in raising our son into a God-fearing, good citizen of the country. Who knows, his lola might even love the idea of visits during the weekends, and playing with her apo.

haay. nangarap na naman ako. :)

cj

Every time I go home to the province, it seems to me that Cj is getting taller and taller. Taller and wider, hehehe. takaw kasi nung batang yun. He’s face is also changing. Not the smooth, blemish-free face I so love to pinch back then; for I notice he already has pimples. Well, nagbibinata na nga siya. Which is but normal. Twelve years old na sya this april. It only saddens me that he will never experience all of these changes on the social level the same way we did. Autism has taken Cj away from us. took, and is still taking. May sariling mundo ang pamangkin ko. even at twelve, he still behaves like a pre-school child. all of us in the family have already adjusted to the special needs of Cj. We always think of his needs before seeing to our own. He’s the darling of the family. Even Geloy understands that. He’s become a very understanding kuya to Cj and I’m sure Ate is very proud of her first-born. Kita naman eh, that he loves his brother so much. Alam nyang dadalawa lang sila sa mundong ito, like me and his mom. and no one will care for each other but themselves. so I’ts safe to assume that he’ll take care of Cj when he’s old enough to do so, and we’re no longer around to look after them. My only fear is that, if old age or sickness gets us all to the ground before Cj, who will take care of him when that time comes? Surely, may mga kamag-anak naman, pero iba pa din kung immediate family. I dread to see that day come true.

a krissy year its been.. brace yourself for more servings

Sunday, its six in the evening and i’m on my way back to manila. Tomorrow will be the start of my second week at work, this new year. I still can’t believe a week has passed and no untoward office incident has happened—yet. Well, at least to me. i can’t say that exactly for my other officemates—it seems we’re all taking turns, incurring the ire of krissy. I just had my serving of krissy’s tender loving care last December, involving a word called “sarcasm”, the details of which i’d rather not discuss. You pretty much know her capability for emotional torture, based on previous postings, i trust those entries would pretty much make a solid characterization of this creature from hell. Its my first post this year, and much as i would have wanted to write more, i kind of busied myself with other things during the holidays, so forgive me if you’ve missed dear pie so sorely. Anyways, before leaving for the province on my last day of work last year, i managed to write something on a sheet of paper—as my office pc brokedown the last minute. I normally find it more convenient writing my thoughts as they come, preferring the use of MS Word more than dear plain paper. But since the hurt needs to be clearly documented, i elected to write my thoughts and feelings that time on paper, saving it for a time like this when i finally find time to visit the dreaming attic once more.

Here it is :

This is not good. I had several bouts of near-outbursts at Mc Donald’s and Jollibee in a span of two weeks; the causes, as trifle as the cashier unable to give my change for a transaction right away, or the crew making me wait for ten minutes for a single order of my favorite corned beef for breakfast. I didn’t ace my psych 101 back in college for nothing; i know there is a cause to all this. For a greater part of five years i’ve been under constant stress from one single person. Krissy the insatiable. You probably know her from the many entries i’ve posted, speaking of the unspeakable, so i won’t bother anymore, eking out a juicy character study for this megalomaniac of a being, except stressing the point that despite knowing the stressor and having researched on its (IT’S!) inherent qualities, i still couldn’t find a weak spot which i can exploit to my advantage. She has learned to guard all the gates and bolt all the doors; making her one solid impenetrable fort that just won’t budge. I have tried all the tricks in my stress-management bible. I went for massages, weekend tours, or quiet time at the province, all for nothing. The last two events i described earlier are cries for help. The inner, gentler me is screaming, kicking, wanting to be finally rid of all this—just him out in golden streams of light, in an endless field of green and rainbow-colored flowers; finally breathing free from that all-consuming darkness that plagued and continues to plague him for five years now. Somebody out there, help me. God help me.

The outbursts, well, they’re contained, for now. the psyche work, i’ve dee to acknowledge for. He did a wonderful job, text-counselling me, December of last year, hehehe. He’s in Australia right now, training for bigger things, for when he finally gets back here a month from now. i miss him terribly. One month is kinda long, but when i think of the years behind us, its pretty tolerable. Well, tomorrow’s another day of taking chances with krissy, i just hope i make the right steps that will help me cross the seven o’clock pm gridline.

for four more years

Krissy called. Said she’ll take half of the day for her medical check-up, or the rest of the day, depending on how she’ll fare with the queue of people availing of our health card services. Knowing her, the rest of the staff thinks her declaration of the possibility of her not showing up for work is just a ploy to catch the rest of us in our weakest and most vulnerable (not in our desks, at the other offices catching up with the latest juicy news bout Manny and Krista, or slipping out to a nearby mall to do a bit of Christmas shopping); but we know better than to fall for that. Earlier this morning, her assistant sent me an sms informing me he can’t go to work, and left me quite a long list of things to accomplish before the queen arrives (I’m to be assistant number two in the event assistant number one doesn’t show up—that’s her topmost instruction; break that commandment and you’ll see the red sea part for the second time). Checklist done. Now all I have to do is wait; wait and pray that I do everything to the letter; whatever she requests me to do, never showing an inch of sarcasm at her sometimes irrational, over-the-top orders, or a quizzical look that will make me look dumb in her eyes. In other words, be perfect for half of the day. Having just finished patching up a recent “episode” between us, the pressure’s all the more imminent. If not for the perks I get from this splendid address, I would have gone and packed my bags a long time. But as others in the office kept saying, one just has to endure her for four more years—four more years then we party all we want.

sooper hikab ever

Inaantok pa din ako. Putchang plants vs. zombies kasi to, ilang araw na akong di pinapatulog. Have to kill all the zombies to get the shiny money reward that will help me buy stuff for my plants for them to grow strong and healthy. Even now na may tyangge dito sa thirdfloor ng office building namin at sobra kung makabuga ng music yung mga speaker sa harap ng library—naririnig pa rin kahit nakasara na yung pinto namin—e wa epek pa din sa akin. Para akong walking zombie dito. Or kung nakaupo man at nagbabasa ng journal articles na kelangan kong i-release this month, I can’t help but fall over the damn journals. Grabe talaga. Kakagaling ko pa naman sa mahabang bakasyon. Can’t risk of running the impression na petiks or tamad—although maraming ganyang case dito—malapit pa naman ang grading period. Hay. Ok. Sige. Have to concentrate reading, else baka ma-assign ko tong article na to sa ibang committee, paktay tayo jan!

pigsty

Na late ako kaninang umaga. Kinailangan ko gumising earlier than usual to tidy up the unit which is starting to look like a pigsty. Hmmm.. our lovenest a pigsty? Well. Looks like one but doesn’t smell like one.. yet. Hehehe.

The other day, dee texted me that he’s gonna bring an officemate around, to see our unit, as there are available units for rent in the building according to our landlady. I hate cleaning up. Hate it, hate it. Why clean up if you could just toss your clothes on the bed, toss the hangers on the dining table, along with yesterday’s accumulation of receipts and other pieces of paper in your pocket? And why hang your clothes properly in the cabinet when you could just get it straight from the plastic bag your laundry lady gave you? So when dee told me of the impending doom which is the officemate visiting, I just hated the whole idea of scrubbing, sweeping and tidying in general. Ipinagpaliban ko ng ipinagpaliban last night, until my lazy conscience suggested that I just wake up earlier than usual to do the clearing operations. So ayun, early morning workout ang nangyari. Hehehe. At late ako.

Later this afternoon while at work, dee texted me na nangaling na sila ng bahay. And celeste, the officemate was so impressed with what she saw, that she paid the landlady for her own unit right away. Well, that is something alright.

of stubbles, hair gel, and fiona

Today, I have shaved the beard I unintentionally grew over weeks of neglect. I’m getting psyched up over the upcoming Caramoan trip this weekend; looking intently at the mirror for pimples, big pores and fine lines that might show up in the pictures, and fretting over them in the process. Hehehe. With that, I think part of looking good for the picture requires me to get a clean-shaven look. Some men can get away with a rough patch of beard or even a goatee. But it doesn’t work out for me. Pie the commodity (when he was still strutting his stuff) has always been associated with the clean cut, blemish free faces of Botticelli figures--the kind that the master will paint in one of his frescoes, rising out of a shell from a foaming sea, sans the long hair. Hehehehe. Last night as I was alighting from the MRT, I saw a number of young men with styling gel on their hair. A thought came to me, if I should buy and use one for the trip. When I was younger, I experimented changing my hairstyle using a variety of styling gels. It suited me then—I am not that confident now. I have, as some would say, for years already, let my hair down. I’ve no need to attract attention for I already have all the attention in the world I could have, in the eyes of one person. So if ever just to break the monotony of a flat hair, I should buy a gel and use it for the trip, babagayan pa kaya ako? Or magmumukhang trying hard na lang na magpakabagets ang dating? Hehehe. Fiona has always sported a hairstyle aided by the magic of styling gel; we always see his colored hair standing up proudly in front of us rank and file employees during Monday flag raising ceremonies, and it never did look awkward. Magaling lang talaga magdala ang ate mo. Kanina nga pumasok ng nakashades ang lola. Hmmm. Tinted sunglasses in the morning? He never did this before… baka naman may karir kagavi at inabot ng madaling araw ang lola mo.. pang cover ng eyebags? hehehe.