two sides of the coin | a birthday post

I made this entry yesterday and posted it on my fresh and fruity themed blog. Since all my thoughts cannot be reflected in toto using just that blog, which i deem too wholesome for the real me, i present now the unedited version, with the insertions i made spelled out in italics. Enjoy. And oh, happy birthday to me. hehehe.

What a tiring day. I am writing this, at the eve of my 28th year, and 2 days of uncontrolled eating. I started my day, waking up with no definite goal in mind other than updating my music library, removing extinct links and streamlining my music to the stuff i currently enjoy; and retaining those that still work for me. Those that come from another era of taste—not necessarily that of a genre, i’m talking bout those things i previously enjoyed and now seems to hail from another time; a child’s taste in music—will definitely have to go. I am happy to report that nothing got accomplished of such grandiose a plan. I spent my day floating in a limbo of sorts. And no exercise, too. I just ate. And ate. And ate. And ate. Well, tomorrow’s gonna be my birthday ain’t it?

It all started Thursday night, when i went to my cousins’ house at ilang-ilang street, in commonwealth avenue in quezon city. The cousin i wrote of recently in my other blog, died from the aneurysm attack she suffered. It was a sorta “wake” that i went to, except there was no corpse, no coffin to see physically. It was an online viewing for relatives, as she was in the U.S., working as a nurse when it happened. The desktop was turned on for the rest of the night going well into dawn, up until the time that i left for the province at around 10 in the morning, the following day.

The whole affair was the most un-wake-like wake (if ever there is such a word) i ever attended, thus far. instead of biscuits and coffee, we gorged on one of my cousin’s home cooked lomi noodles. Then one of my nephews, who is just about my age ordered roasted chicken and “crispy ulo” from nearby a lechon kiosk. We ate it alongside sips of san mig light and a Johnny walker black label that one of the nephews brought from his recent stint as a seaman abroad. We also had potato chips flowing in abundance to supplement the roasting. By the time one of the nephews took a picture to document the get-together (as everyone i know from that particular branch of the family was present that night) we were all so tipsy and smiling that the picture didn’t look like it was taken from a supposed funeral wake, at all. We did manage to say our prayers, though; and shed tears when gracie finally gave out her last words for her mom.

Some older cousins who did not see me for nearly a year, almost didn’t recognize me from all the hair that’s been covering my beautiful face. Hehehe. two outrightly blurted out that i looked like ely buendia in my current incarnation. Everything was light and cheerful until one cousin, who seemed too confident with his sexuality that he almost always gets away with on-the-spot gay impersonations, told me in jest that “its ok as long as you don’t do a bebe”; in most probability referring to rustom padilla the actor who after months of hiatus in the US suddenly turned up in a woman’s garb proclaiming to the world that rustom is dead, and long live bebe. Coming from him who i consider to be the most blunt (in a good way) and direct individual i’ve known all my life, its actually a good sign that he said those words with an honest smile on his face; good intentions tucked in. Had they all noticed/ known of the fact, in the years i’ve lived with them? Why, i never had in my five years of staying with them, ever brought home a man in the middle of the night to sleep with me. hehehe. oh shucks, it must be the beauty pageant smile then, and the dainty fingers handling the spoon and fork during dinners; that must be it, huh? Hehehe.

On Saturday afternoon, sis reminded me of going to church to attend mass in remembrance of tatay’s 5th year death anniversary. She had scheduled a nine-day novena with the parochial office of our local parish so that every day, tatay’s name will be mentioned as part of intentions/ prayer offerings prior to the start of the mass. As geloy my nephew is almost always with us when attending these types of masses (i rarely go to church except on special occasions, for issues stated earlier in my first ever blog entry), seeing ate coming from behind me to attend mass (she came from the office) in place of geloy who went to attend a review for the UPCAT held in Dagupan, made my heart beat a little faster. Is she planning to close in on me, whisper to my ear during the homily, to repent and turn away from loving men, and be saved? I’m so dreading another day of confrontation with her; she is really bent on curing me, my sis. When i came out to her, she told me she loves me with all her heart (thank God, i said), and that she will help me out of it (NOOOO!!!). so just imagine her shock when i told her that she already met my partner—dee regularly goes home with me during the time i haven’t made the big outing yet, disguised as a close friend—she surely must have suffered the way i suffered when i haven’t told her all this yet. There is no question that we love each other dearly. Our parents saw to it, tatay specifically, that we watch each other’s back; for this is a cruel, cruel world; and no one will pick you up when your down except your sibling. But we are two sides of the coin in this great debate of being true to one’s nature. Sigh. I bet she’s still calculating her moves and decided it wasn’t a good time yet. Instead of disagreeing, we agreed to head over to chowking after the mass to have an early night merienda at six pm, of congee and tokwa’t baboy.

Arriving home, i made sure nanay had company (meaning, i ate ulit... hehehe) while eating the siopao we took out for her and cj. Then i proceeded to make the fruit salad in time for tomorrow’s celebration, but that which already got a severe “tasting”, from the time i was whipping it, to the time we finished dinner at around 9:30 this evening. May natira pa naman for tomorrow. Haaayy.. haayyy talaga.

At bukas pa ang birthday ko ha. Ayaw ko na kumain!!! Please!!

the view from pie

Ate left for the church to attend mass this afternoon. Its her birthday today, and like previous birthdays for as long as i can remember, she’s the type of person who takes days-off on these special days. Ako din naman. Who would want to work during one’s birthday anyway? Well, in our house, birthdays are synonymous to cookfests so i expect to be helping her out in a few minutes when she returns from picking out cj from school and buying potatoes for the salad.

she was doing the laundry this morning when the company VP called, passing on to her some bad news. One of her subordinates just handed his resignation letter today. The VP was known for his foul temper and even fouler mouth, and its not hidden from ate’s knowledge that people in the office cringe and duck for cover whenever VP foulmouth is drunk and swerving along the office premises. This has always been the case even when tatay was still alive and working there, too.

This hasn’t been the first resignation this week. The first one to hand a resignation letter was also her subordinate, and she suspects that the VP is one of the (big) reasons for them to be looking for new jobs, aside from seeking advancement in monetary terms too. She told me in an irked fashion that it falls on her to find replacements for those two, and fast. The company isn’t that big to be having a formal Human Resource Department so it kinda fell on her as the head accountant to do these things that concern the work she’s doing.

A little later, Jay, the subject of the VP and ate’s phone conversation called to formalize his resignation. Ate handled it well, telling Jay to recommend people who he might think would want to apply for the job, and to tell his new employer to give him at least a month to train whoever will be hired as his replacement. After the call i asked her if Jay or the VP knew it was her birthday. She said yes. It seems people do not really care for anything except their own worries.

I remember looking at an old poster hanging at her bedroom wall when i was still a kid. When we moved to our new home the poster got lost and was never seen again. It contains the poem Desiderata, and she quoted a line to me just moments ago, from what she suspects came from the poem: “nothing can ever disturb my peace”. Or something like that. And then she laughed. Declaring that today is her birthday, she will continue an unruffled existence no matter what.

As she was saying this, bits and pieces from a conversation of not too long ago pierced my mind : “hindi pa rin ako nakakarecover hanggang ngayon sa sinabi mo sa akin”, she said, her voice cracking over the phone; referring to the day i told her i am gay.